Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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