dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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