It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
