Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
