I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
