Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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