God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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