Your face is a jimmy john
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
