The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
