If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
