i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
