I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
