you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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