My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
