Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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