Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
