Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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