I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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