I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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