So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
