Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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