The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
