Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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