i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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