Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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