i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
