i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My dick has a subreddit
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
