I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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