Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
That reminds me...we need to get swords
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
