So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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