I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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