I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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