I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize