my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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