How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
