how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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