Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
This is the prime rib incident all over again
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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