Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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