U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
