the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
