it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
