my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
