i permit you to call me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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