Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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