im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
