the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
