Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
