his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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