idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
