Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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